Pointless Meaningless Long Post

Thing that no one tells you when you graduate is that this time nothing is certain. Graduation doesn’t owe you brilliant job and stable income. You don’t know will you ever going to get your first job or the better one later. You don’t know when you’re going to meet the man your mom always asks to bring home. You don’t know will you ever going to make enough money. You don’t know are you going to ever ‘make it’ whatever it means.

A year ago I wrote about my graduation and how grateful I am with the job I (still) have. I thought at some point that I’m in the right track in doing what I want to do, be the person I want to be. I thought I’m just going to do my job on my way to that place I really want. But the fact that I failed miserably on every chance I get to the path I really want and suddenly it’s a year later and I’m still doing the same job and not sure anymore. I hate uncertainty so much and I want to give up.

One crappy night when i just got back from work, I looked at my bedroom wall where I put a quote, “Too young to surrender” that I wrote last year, too (I have the tendency to forget motivational words I wrote myself, so useless anyway I know) and pffft-ing myself. Maybe yes, it is still too young to surrender cause it’s only been a year. Maybe there’s still time or may be not. Maybe this is just another phase where I doubt every of my decision. One thing I realized that I’m not the kind of person who get to the place I want easily but eventually all the mistake I made at some point will lead me to better things. I hope so.

2013 wasn’t so bad after all. Even though most of the time what I did is telling myself to worry about only one step at a time (cause that’s a fine possibility that I get crazy now and then), good things like had my (poorly written) article posted on Thought Catalog, went to new places solo (in which so liberating), more mature family bonding and many many others happened. I also gained the ability to have meaningful crush on someone without really hoping. Yes, sometimes I wish he doesn’t have a girlfriend but screw, I’m content enough with our moments.

So far, 2014 started with flood everywhere in my city. I started with 4 days traveling solo to 3 amazing cities aaand… a little disagreement with a friend. You know, fact is most of the time people don’t think about what you think they’re thinking about you cause simply, who cares? Most of the time what you assume as what people think about you is only how YOU perceive who you are. Also most of the time people forget and not thinking about your problem cause simply they are also a human living their life and already got pile of shit to figure out. So stress out about what you assume as people opinions towards you is simply irrelevant and demand people to remember your problems cause you think that’s a thing people should do is just selfish. Don’t apologize for who you are as well as you don’t ask people to do that.

Anyway, I start to enjoy the changes happened and will happen in my life. People come and go. There will come times when people come to us on a rainy day and leave as happiness arise. That might be a little hurt when they declare that they don’t need us anymore. I don’t know why and how, but the only explanation, for me, is as Ram Dass put it best, “We’re all just walking each other home”. Maybe they found home already.

One last thing, this morning I figure out that I’m just going to equally hate people in my city who avoid to take public transportation just because they think it’s inconvenience (of course, this is a third world country, you guys) and choose to drive their cars (alone and not car pooling). You know what else inconvenience? It’s waking up early and stuck at 3 hours traffic and arrive late to the office every day. Ha.


FICTION: A Romantic Flick


If this were some cheesy romantic flick, where they are now is a love story material. Too bad they live in a real world. But, it doesn’t mean that she’s not happy.

He with his works, their clicking rhythms, their talking, her silly behaviors he witnesses and everything passed every day between she, he and the cats they’re trying to kill. Each of those, she cherish with joy. You know, most of the time people forget to embrace jolly little things and tend to focus on bigger goal. They might not realize that a bouquet of beautiful roses, once just a tiny seed.

She might not count every minute they spend together, she’s no good at math, she simply just want to enjoy it. If people asked what it is, she giggles. It must be fun to define, but instead of doing that to answer them, she’ll just show her blushing face. Yes. she refuse to wonder if this is love or not. Yeah, it’s better to not talk about love at a time like this. She’s just starting to enjoy her life.

After all, what do words mean if we can make a better realization?

A friend friend of her wrote, love requires actions. She believes it’s true. But you know she has this bad habit of never take the first move. She thinks maybe she just hasn’t found the right person yet. But with him? She’ll consider. Maybe the answer still be ‘No’.

There’s something in him that tickles her. She doesn’t want to fall. She’s just so happy she doesn’t want to ask more.

photo taken around 2010

at Trans Jakarta Shelter, Matraman

Anne’s Conclusion on Marriage, Love and the crap, I don’t know what I wrote

So days ago I told my mom that I’m gonna be married in my 30s, she’s like, WHAAAT?! And told me the disadvantages of being married after 20s and I was like, pffft…

Well, I always think marriage is a usual thing happens to people. But weirdly, once you become 20, it becomes some kind of pressure by the society and several parents. well, at least in my society and parents. My question is; what is the right reason for someone to get married? Is it for the sake of your parent’s demand, society pressure or your own will to do it? What it takes for someone to be sure that she/he found the one person to live with, bear monsters and die eventually? How those avoid boredom of each other?

Young Queen Victoria thought marriage should be a treat to a girl. My sister once said that being married to someone is not only so you can bear children but also to find a friend for life. I recall my lecturer said love ends when marriage begins. Well, does a successful marriage always begin with love?

I heard so many definitions about it in songs, movies, poems and somehow those make the word ‘love’ sounds overrated. Either it’s too cliché or too miserable, only a few make sense to me. Sometimes I thought love nowadays is just a product you sell on Valentine day. You have to agree that most of bestselling novels, songs, movies etc are related to love. *What? Yes, I like love songs and romantic novels, they help me dramatize my life.* Love produces money. Plus, I often find people said they love this and that then get too excited about it, but months later they just doing the same pattern I easily read.

The love I know, maybe, is a feeling that keeps you coming back. It stays. It grows bigger as the time goes. Like I love my family. You may say that you love your parents the moment you were born but I need a process to love them this much *hug the universe*. A long process that now leaves me at the point that no matter how much I loathe them, I end up want to make them happy.

Ugh. Words often make everything more dangkal. Well, people can have their own definition about love. Whatever.

You know one of the reasons I hate become an adult is there are so many things to think about. Life suddenly is not as easy as choosing what kind of candy I want to eat today.

So my conclusion is, blah, I’ don’t know, I’M TOO YOUNG TO THINK ABOUT THIS. These just several things crossed my mind and thought I should write it. Enjoy the crap. Bye.