Pointless Meaningless Long Post

Thing that no one tells you when you graduate is that this time nothing is certain. Graduation doesn’t owe you brilliant job and stable income. You don’t know will you ever going to get your first job or the better one later. You don’t know when you’re going to meet the man your mom always asks to bring home. You don’t know will you ever going to make enough money. You don’t know are you going to ever ‘make it’ whatever it means.

A year ago I wrote about my graduation and how grateful I am with the job I (still) have. I thought at some point that I’m in the right track in doing what I want to do, be the person I want to be. I thought I’m just going to do my job on my way to that place I really want. But the fact that I failed miserably on every chance I get to the path I really want and suddenly it’s a year later and I’m still doing the same job and not sure anymore. I hate uncertainty so much and I want to give up.

One crappy night when i just got back from work, I looked at my bedroom wall where I put a quote, “Too young to surrender” that I wrote last year, too (I have the tendency to forget motivational words I wrote myself, so useless anyway I know) and pffft-ing myself. Maybe yes, it is still too young to surrender cause it’s only been a year. Maybe there’s still time or may be not. Maybe this is just another phase where I doubt every of my decision. One thing I realized that I’m not the kind of person who get to the place I want easily but eventually all the mistake I made at some point will lead me to better things. I hope so.

2013 wasn’t so bad after all. Even though most of the time what I did is telling myself to worry about only one step at a time (cause that’s a fine possibility that I get crazy now and then), good things like had my (poorly written) article posted on Thought Catalog, went to new places solo (in which so liberating), more mature family bonding and many many others happened. I also gained the ability to have meaningful crush on someone without really hoping. Yes, sometimes I wish he doesn’t have a girlfriend but screw, I’m content enough with our moments.

So far, 2014 started with flood everywhere in my city. I started with 4 days traveling solo to 3 amazing cities aaand… a little disagreement with a friend. You know, fact is most of the time people don’t think about what you think they’re thinking about you cause simply, who cares? Most of the time what you assume as what people think about you is only how YOU perceive who you are. Also most of the time people forget and not thinking about your problem cause simply they are also a human living their life and already got pile of shit to figure out. So stress out about what you assume as people opinions towards you is simply irrelevant and demand people to remember your problems cause you think that’s a thing people should do is just selfish. Don’t apologize for who you are as well as you don’t ask people to do that.

Anyway, I start to enjoy the changes happened and will happen in my life. People come and go. There will come times when people come to us on a rainy day and leave as happiness arise. That might be a little hurt when they declare that they don’t need us anymore. I don’t know why and how, but the only explanation, for me, is as Ram Dass put it best, “We’re all just walking each other home”. Maybe they found home already.

One last thing, this morning I figure out that I’m just going to equally hate people in my city who avoid to take public transportation just because they think it’s inconvenience (of course, this is a third world country, you guys) and choose to drive their cars (alone and not car pooling). You know what else inconvenience? It’s waking up early and stuck at 3 hours traffic and arrive late to the office every day. Ha.



WORKING ON: Getting myself up in the morning and do some exercise. Yes. I really need to work on that.

THINKING ABOUT: I know mostly we disappointed by the expectation we put on others, but sometimes it’s really hard not to put an expectation into anything. You know society has this structure that make first born or the son in a family a breadwinner once their parents retired and it’s hard for me to accept that mine can’t. I don’t ask them to be a breadwinner; I just want them to carry the responsibility life gives them. Somehow it’s ironically funny to be the last born and accomplished things first and still can make the first born do better. I love my siblings exceptionally, but the way they do life kind of make me sad and worried. There, I think I just need to say it.

READING: I’m halfway to finish The Help by Kathryn Stockett. It’s such a great book. Also, since I start working, I have to leave in the morning and back home at night, ergo I only have little time to read daily newspaper but I’m trying though.

LISTENING TO: Ke$ha, or as my friend said, Kedolarha. LOL. Her new song makes me dance in the morning. LOL.

EATING: Recently doctor told me that my body lack of fruits and veggies. So from that moment I try to eat healthy food everyday and give my body the nutrients she needs. It’s not that I stop eat junk food or anything, I just add more fruit/veggies everyday in what I eat. I think you should too.

THANKFUL FOR: What I have now. Last year I graduate and now I work as a copywriter for a design company. The job I have is something outside my expectation, but it makes me realize, maybe sometimes we have to do things that we never plan. Copywriting is a new challenge to me because it really different from what I do in college, plus I get to learn so many things in advertising industry. What I have to thankful the most is I meet a lot of new amazing people. I’m glad to say that I’m happy with my life.

PLANNING TO: Travel solo. Yes! Last year I plan to go on some trips with my friends but I can only make one trip. So this year I think I’m going to do it solo. I don’t know why I am now so reluctant to asked and persuade my friends to accompany me. And maybe I need to go with myself, meet new people and do new things. Get lost and find myself.

ROMANCE: Have no particular plan with this one. I just go on with whatever happen, I guess. A dear friend once said, what I really need is a person that try from the very beginning and not give up. Agree. There I write it.