Menjadi Perempuan

Menjadi perempuan bukan hanya soal dilahirkan berjenis kelamin perempuan tapi juga harus siap dengan ikat sosial yang melilit sedari kecil. Rambut yang sebaiknya terurai panjang dan tersisir rapi, duduk manis, dan suguhkan senyum memikat. Berpakaian bukan hanya sekedar memakai baju tetapi memakai baju yang menarik hati para tamu yang akan memuji betapa manisnya anak ibu. Tolong jangan melucu, percuma karena tawa lepas terbahak akan jadi lirikkan orang dan tidak pantas.

Menjadi perempuan sedikit bedanya dengan barang karena ada harga yang harus dijaga dan tidak boleh hilang. Di usia 20an, nilainya sedang tinggi karena apapun yang ada dalam dirinya alam kondisi terbaik, terutama sistem reproduksi. Terlepas dari semua mimpi pribadi seolah hanya itu tujuan hidupnya. Memasuki usia 30an, kesegaran sudah menurun. Terima saja rasa simpati dan niat para tante menjodohkannya dengan siapapun atau apapun. 40an sama dengan dengan cap perawan tua. Kesuksesan hidup lainnya tidak berarti.

Menjadi perempuan harus pintar-pintar berpacu dengan jam biologis tubuh yang terus melaju. Hal yang juga menentukan “kesempurnaan” perempuan di mata masyarakat. Pada akhirnya percuma mengejar apapun karena kamu tidak sempurna kalau belum menjadi istri dan ibu. Dan bahkan masih bisa dipersalahkan ketika sudah menjadi keduanya.

Menjadi perempuan adalah menjadi kepemilikan.

Menjadi perempuan adalah perjuangan mengesampingkan prasangka tentang pulang larut malam, delik tak nyaman, dan omongan pedas dari setiap keputusan yang tidak sejalan dengan kebanyakan orang.

Menjadi perempuan harus tangguh rasa dan hati menerima siulan nakal, panggilan akrab atau godaan sayang lelaki jalanan dan budaya yang menganggap ini wajar.

Menjadi perempuan bisa jadi serba salah. Mandiri dan cerdas bisa berarti sulit diatur. Agresif dibilang murahan, sedangkan pasif dibilang jual mahal.

Menjadi perempuan harus tahu diri, tahu dapur, tahu lelaki asal jangan terlalu banyak tahu karena akan dianggap sok tahu.

Menjadi perempuan kadang kala berarti bersaing dengan perempuan lainnya. Untuk menjadi yang terbaik, menjadi yang ter-perempuan.

Rasanya sulit menjadi manusia dan menjadi diri sendiri ketika kamu seorang perempuan.

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On the Reason of Not Getting Married and Do

pic here

Don’t get married because social structure pressures you to have one or you’ll be judged on being a spinster. Be brave to not give a fuck on people’s judgments, because no society will ever sponsor your wedding dream anyway.

Don’t get married because your mom thinks this is the right time. Nope. No such a thing as the right time, every time can be the right time when you decide it is.

Don’t get married because your friends and everyone else are getting married. You open the chance of making new friends and there are people who stay single forever and ever, amen. You are never alone.

Don’t get married because of the possibilities of having a fruitful and faithful marriage. Well, cheat, divorce and death will also be there at the same time.

Don’t get married because someone tells you that marriage will guarantee happiness. Like, is there such a thing? Though “you’re the one who’s responsible for your happiness” sounds cliché as hell, it is true.

Don’t get married because marriage is just another step in your life. No, the choices are many.

Don’t get married because of the idea that marriage equals to happily ever after. Nothing lasts forever.

Don’t get married due to the delusion and illusion that everything will get better with someone beside you, because life can also get worse with someone beside you.

Don’t get married because of all the romanticizing of love pop culture creates.

Heck, don’t even get married because there’s someone kneeling in front of you with a ring.

Go get married because you’re being honest to yourself that you need to get married. Because you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, but at the same time you also know that he/she’s not the only one who builds you happiness. Go pursue someone who’s not only the right person for you, but also for your long time plans and goals in life.

Get married due to the fact that it is a long time process of bonding, and no matter what will happen in the future both of you will be brave enough to solve it together. Not just sign up for the honeymoon and wedding champagne.

Get married because you’re ready for the adventure of fresh sweet smell of young skins as well as the uninteresting wrinkles of aging.

Get married in the realization of love can set you free, and only love can break your heart.

Pointless Meaningless Long Post

Thing that no one tells you when you graduate is that this time nothing is certain. Graduation doesn’t owe you brilliant job and stable income. You don’t know will you ever going to get your first job or the better one later. You don’t know when you’re going to meet the man your mom always asks to bring home. You don’t know will you ever going to make enough money. You don’t know are you going to ever ‘make it’ whatever it means.

A year ago I wrote about my graduation and how grateful I am with the job I (still) have. I thought at some point that I’m in the right track in doing what I want to do, be the person I want to be. I thought I’m just going to do my job on my way to that place I really want. But the fact that I failed miserably on every chance I get to the path I really want and suddenly it’s a year later and I’m still doing the same job and not sure anymore. I hate uncertainty so much and I want to give up.

One crappy night when i just got back from work, I looked at my bedroom wall where I put a quote, “Too young to surrender” that I wrote last year, too (I have the tendency to forget motivational words I wrote myself, so useless anyway I know) and pffft-ing myself. Maybe yes, it is still too young to surrender cause it’s only been a year. Maybe there’s still time or may be not. Maybe this is just another phase where I doubt every of my decision. One thing I realized that I’m not the kind of person who get to the place I want easily but eventually all the mistake I made at some point will lead me to better things. I hope so.

2013 wasn’t so bad after all. Even though most of the time what I did is telling myself to worry about only one step at a time (cause that’s a fine possibility that I get crazy now and then), good things like had my (poorly written) article posted on Thought Catalog, went to new places solo (in which so liberating), more mature family bonding and many many others happened. I also gained the ability to have meaningful crush on someone without really hoping. Yes, sometimes I wish he doesn’t have a girlfriend but screw, I’m content enough with our moments.

So far, 2014 started with flood everywhere in my city. I started with 4 days traveling solo to 3 amazing cities aaand… a little disagreement with a friend. You know, fact is most of the time people don’t think about what you think they’re thinking about you cause simply, who cares? Most of the time what you assume as what people think about you is only how YOU perceive who you are. Also most of the time people forget and not thinking about your problem cause simply they are also a human living their life and already got pile of shit to figure out. So stress out about what you assume as people opinions towards you is simply irrelevant and demand people to remember your problems cause you think that’s a thing people should do is just selfish. Don’t apologize for who you are as well as you don’t ask people to do that.

Anyway, I start to enjoy the changes happened and will happen in my life. People come and go. There will come times when people come to us on a rainy day and leave as happiness arise. That might be a little hurt when they declare that they don’t need us anymore. I don’t know why and how, but the only explanation, for me, is as Ram Dass put it best, “We’re all just walking each other home”. Maybe they found home already.

One last thing, this morning I figure out that I’m just going to equally hate people in my city who avoid to take public transportation just because they think it’s inconvenience (of course, this is a third world country, you guys) and choose to drive their cars (alone and not car pooling). You know what else inconvenience? It’s waking up early and stuck at 3 hours traffic and arrive late to the office every day. Ha.

Goodbye(s)

Hidup itu aneh. Waktu kecil, mungkin salah satu hal pertama yang diajarkan orangtua kepada saya adalah sopan-santun ketika menyapa, memperkenalkan diri, dan bagaimana berperilaku kepada orang yang baru dikenal. Walau saya sering merasa canggung, tapi sampai sekarang rasanya saya tidak pernah kesulitan untuk bergabung dalam lingkaran baru. Seiring waktu berjalan saya belajar bahwa hidup bukan sekedar berhalo-halo saja, setiap pertemuan pasti memiliki akhir. Tapi sepertinya tidak seorangpun pernah mengajari saya bagaimana menghadapi perpisahan.

Padahal, perpisahan lumrah dialami. Katanya malah, “There’s goodbye in every hello”. Entah itu berpisah dengan tamu yang datang ke rumah, dengan teman-teman ketika kelulusan sekolah atau ketika maut memisahkan kita *apeu*.

Saya ingat hampir di setiap kelulusan sekolah, hari berikutnya akan saya habiskan untuk cengeng dan menuliskan hal-hal menye dalam buku harian. Sekarang, semakin bertambah umur semakin terasa kalau memang benar-benar ngga ada hal yang akan sama selamanya. Masuk kantor baru, kenal dengan semuanya, dan beberapa bulan kemudian satu-persatu mereka resign terus diganti yang baru lalu berulang lagi.

Ketika nenek saya meninggal awal tahun ini, saya baru belajar bagaimana berpisah dengan orang yang selama ini selalu ada di sekeliling saya. Tiba-tiba saja beliau meninggalkan kami dan hidup terus berlanjut. Hari itu saya menangis, tapi saya berangkat bekerja lagi esoknya dan berkumpul bersama teman-teman saya di akhir minggu seperti tidak ada apa-apa. Di saat itu, jadi betul–betul berasa kalau bumi ini berputar dan waktu berjalan terus.

Apalagi yang paling sulit dari perpisahan adalah berpisah dengan kenangan yang tercipta dari pertemuan. Kalau boleh saya ibaratkan, ini seperti jangkar yang jatuh tertiup angin badai ke dasar laut. Tanpa sadar, sejauh apapun berjalan akan terus ada yang menarik kita untuk kembali. Sampai jangkar ini diikhlaskan untuk tenggelam.

Tidak ada yang pernah mengajarkan saya apa yang harus dikatakan saat perpisahan, bagaimana cara mengikhlaskan mereka yang pergi atau bagaimana menghadapi bercampurnya emosi ada ketika berpisah. Banyak hal-hal yang tak terjelaskan ketika perpisahan, apapun alasan perpisahan itu terjadi. Sampai pada akhirnya, saya mengerti bahwa perpisahan bukan lawan kata dari pertemuan, tapi hanya dua kejadian yang saling bertautan.

Orang lain bisa menghibur tetapi tidak ada yang bisa benar-benar menjabarkan. Kalau misalnya pun Wikipedia punya halaman khusus tentang ini, pasti ngga akan pernah tercermin sama pada setiap orang. Mungkin perpisahan memang benar-benar hal yang hanya dapat kita pelajari lewat pengalaman. Seperti kata seorang teman saya, “We’re forever a student of life” dan ini salah satu mata kuliahnya.

Currently #2

WORKING ON: Stay positive. I guess the hardest part of being 20-something is seeing the positive side on every bad thing happened to you. Life is hard after graduate college. The fact that now we have to be responsible for ourselves and realize that parents growing old are so scared we always want to run. But there’s no place to hide, right? Worrying too much about future only pressured me then affects my health condition and I seriously have no budget for hospital. Lol. Moreover, I always believe that the basic cycle of nature is bad-good-bad-good-bad-good-etc. Be strong!

THINKING ABOUT: How to synchronize what I want and what my parents want. I know that all my parents want for me is to see me have a good life. As long as they can, they will always want to provide me with comforts. I love them for that. But all the easiness they want to give is not what I want. The job they offer me and their vision is not something I want to do, at least now. Not because I’m such an ungrateful child but I believe that the only work I should do is something creative, something that gives me fulfillment. I hope they eventually understand.

READING: Presiden Guyonan – Butet Kertaradjasa. This is the first time I read his writing. Butet is one of legendary comedians in Indonesia. Reading his writing, so far, I feel like seeing him live, so witty.

LISTENING TO: Sara Bareilles – The Blessed unrest and Frau – Happy Coda. Geniuses, ’nuff said.

EATING: Recently I checked my blood pressure and it’s 90/60 . I feel like eating everything right now.

THANKFUL FOR: Every little thing that gives me smile on a daily basis. Apparently when you start being positive and grateful, there is plenty of it, so thank God.

PLANNING TO: Finish my individual project and setting up new blog for my fiction writing. You know I write it in here just to challenge myself to be serious.

ROMANCE: Lately, I’ve been receiving A LOT of romantic advice from my friends which giving me broader view about what I need from a partner. While September marked the rainy season in here, it’s the start of autumn in America; the season of new beginning for Tom Hansen.

Monolog: Tentang Senja

Apa ada yang lebih menggembirakan hati selain sore di kereta? Memandang hamparan luas berganti dengan hanya satu latar langit menguning, senja.

Ah, senja. Saya suka menulis tentang dia.

Senja tidak seperti siang yang hangat namun teriknya membakar kulit. Senja juga tidak seperti pagi penuh semarak kicau burung yang dinginnya menggigit. Senja jelas berbeda dengan malam berkerlip bintang tapi gelapnya membawa cemas.

Ibarat manusia, senja adalah kekasih lama yang padanya saya titipkan cinta pertama dan selalu memanggil rindu. Bertemu dengan senja layaknya bertemu sahabat karib, hati menjadi hangat sekaligus gembira. Namun dalam jingganya, selalu ada pedih yang sama ketika kamu melihat dia yang tidak memilihmu. Senja selalu juga mengingatkan saya pada keluarga dekat, karena kemana pun saya pergi, selalu ia yang saya cari untuk kembali.

Senja menuliskan padamu sebuah roman tentang kamu yang sedang berdua di motor pacarmu sepulang kerja. Senja memutarkan lagu melankolis ketika kamu duduk sendiri dalam bis yang berjalan tanpa playlist. Senja menceritakan padamu kisah-kisah menegangkan di balik muka cerah mereka yang bersantai di bawah Jembatan Merah.

Pada saya, senja menjadi pintu pertemuan kita 4 tahun lalu. Namun seperti yang kau tahu sayang, senja selalu diikuti malam. Seperti kau dan saya yang tak pernah bertemu pagi, tersesat gelap.

Ah, senja. Mengapa dia selalu dapat mengantar saya pada rasa?

note: terpikir di kereta sore sepulang dari Jogja

Free.

A couple of your stories has already been told and a few things about you has already been sold. You sound so quiet so I whisper to you, “Well, i guess that you have found your own world”.

A couple of your stories has already been told and a few things about you has already been sold. Well, I guess it’s time to end it so i said to you, “I hope we could talk again someday”.

Monkey to Millionare – “Strange” is the song in our conversation

photo taken at Taman Safari, 29.03.2013